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SexLimericks.com |
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A Big List Of Dirty Limericks ::::::::::
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| A
businesslike harlot named Draper once tried an unusual caper. What made it so nice was you got it half-price if you brought in her ad from the paper. |
A
newlywed bride, Mrs. Young asked the doctor to fix her torn lung. When asked how it ripped she replied as she stripped, "That man I married is hung". |
| A
young airline stewardess, May, has achieved the ultimate lay. She was screwed without quittin’ from New York to Great Britain it is clear that she’s come a long way. |
A
horny young sailor named Clark picked up a slut in a park. She was ugly and crude and a horror when nude, but she was good for a spell in the dark. |
| There
once was a fellow named Mark who spread a girls legs in the dark He said "Now by thunder it’s a natural wonder I declare this a National Park". |
The
80-year-old accused of rape was called Mort, And the judge said, "Sir, you'll have to be tried in court." But the jury was sympathetic, Because Mort was sick, old, and pathetic, And the evidence wouldn't stand up in court. |
| There
once was a man from Nantucket, Whose dong was so long he could suck it. He walked down the street, Just a swinging his meat. While he carried he's balls in a bucket. |
There
was a young man who's dong Was prodigiously, massively long Down the sides of his whang, two testes did hang Which attracted a curious throng |
| There
was a young lady from China Who mistook for her mouth, her vagina Her clitoris huge she covered with rouge And lipsticked her labia minor |
There once was a man from Flint Rock, He strung violin strings from his cock, and with an erection he could play a selection from Johann Sebastian Bach |
| A morbid cocksucker named Pete went down on a corpse as a treat. To his wonderous surprise The dead cock did rise And lifted poor Pete off his feet. |
There once was a man from Japan Who's name was Mr. Dan He had a lady friend in China With a great big vagina And she said, "Screw me as fast as you can!" |
| A man met his woman in the store who happened to be a real whore When they got to the fucking there was some serious sucking and when they where done, she begged for more. |
There once was a man from Eeling, who pounded his pud with great feeling, then like a trout he would stick his mouth out and wait for the drops from the ceiling. |
| Their once was a man from Carlisle, Who found it quite hard to smile. His wife said "'ere Frank, I'll give ya a Wank" And that made him smile for a while |
There was a young woman from Leeds who swallowed a packet of seeds, within an hour her clit was a flower and her ass was a garden of weeds. |
| Now there was a young man from Havana who'd do any trick for a tanner, his favorite trick was to stand on his dick and tighten his balls with a spanner. |
There once was a mother of three Who liked to go down on her knees Using her mouth She'd go all the way south And best of all was she'd do it for free. |
| A fixer of cars do I know Who’s not like a regular joe For while giving great sex He’ll adorn his love’s neck with a scarf, sweetly tied in a bow! |
There was a young man from Madroot, Whose had eight warts on his root. He poured acid on these, And now when he pees, He fingers his root like a flute. |
| A Limerick Story by L.J. Hagen A very large woman from Rome Had sex with a gnome named Jerome Between her legs he was tossed Until he finally got lost And couldn’t find his way home In a tunnel darker than hell Jerome was getting sick from the smell Much to his relief Came a thunderous quief And into a porcelain lake he fell Now Jerome was not one to complain But just then it started to rain He had to swim His way to the rim And climbed his way over the stain He knew it was sink or swim So he clawed his way onto the rim He fell to the ground And it was there that he found His old friend Tiny Tim Now Tim had his own story to tell He had already been through hell He had wrestled a fur-ball A three legged gerbil And holy shit did he smell Looking for a way out of the house They happened upon a mouse The mouse warned them that The bitch had a cat And a shit eating hound named Claus Well they didn’t like what he heard After all Tim smelled like a terd And then there was the cat Jerome resembled a wet rat Their escape must now be detoured The mouse said “ I know a route” That will get you both safely out You can climb up through the shutter And into the gutter And slide right down the spout Jerome said “that’s a fine plan” But I have to go to the can Tim said “we can’t take the chance” Just shit your pants So off to the shutter they ran They got there with no time to spare The bitch was on her way there She had heard all the noise And was in need of some toys To stick up her large Dari air They hurried up through the shutter Like a hot knife cutting through butter Then Jerome cried “I gotta go” And pooped wouldn’t you know He was riding his terd down the gutter The shit was quite slippery indeed He was gaining on Tim in speed Jerome was concerned And Tim was discerned Of the accident about to impede Tim was the first one to hit Followed by Jerome and his shit There was a noise & a crash And stuck up Tim’s ass Jerome’s head did sit. This wouldn’t be an easy task Pulling Jerome’s head out of Tim’s ass Jerome started to swear I’m running out of air Hurry, do something fast Disheveled and light headed from stink Tim quickly started to think He knew in his heart He just had to fart Jerome would be out in a blink. He had heard of a sailor from Belize Who would fart every time that he’d sneeze He’d do so with such force The trade winds changed course And Tsunamis would ravage the seas That’s what Tim decided to do He let out a big HAA CHOO Then came a rumbling sound That shook the ground And out of his ass Jerome’s flew Jerome sat gasping for air Of course Tim didn’t care He was covered with shit And throwing a fit As Jerome sat in despair Now if you ever go visit Rome And happen across Tim and Jerome If you can handle the smell Go wish them well They are still in search of there home. The End |
A rebellious young girl named Alice, Pissed in the archbishop's chalice. Think as you might, It was not out of spite, But simply pure protestant malice. There once was a girl from despatch who had a rectangular snatch her boyfriend, a patrician a mathematician had a square root to match. There once was a fellow named Avery who's sex habits were most unsavory amid screeches and howls he deflowered young owls which he kept in an underground aviary. There was a lady from the Azores Whose snatch was covered with sores The dogs in the street Nipped at her feet And the green goo that hung from her drawers There is an old man from Brewster Who said to his wife as he goosed her "That used to be grand Now look at my hand, You don't wipe as good as you useta!" Our new outdoor movie emporium Is not just a fake auditorium But a highly effectual Heterosexual Mutual masturbatorium There once was a whore from Verdun who was screwed by a midget for fun The poor little runt fell into her cunt and was born the twin of his son. There once was a woman from Cape Cod, who thought that babies were the gift of God. But it wasn't the Almighty who lifted her nightie, it was Roger the Lodger by God. There was a young lady named Gloria, Whose boyfriend said "I wanna explore ya." She said "Listen old chap, I'll give you a map, By them that's been there before ya." I once knew a girl named JoAnn Who could jack off her twat like a man, A spectacular stunt, The spurt from her cunt Nearly filled up a ten-gallon can. There once was a man named Nick Who was so ugly that you’d shit a brick When he tried to get laid Even AIDS ran away Helen Keller couldn’t even be tricked A soggy booby faggot named Nick Once took a startling shit In panic he flushed But the bowl just gushed Spraying feces and muck at his dick There was a hermaphrodite runt Which had both a cock and a cunt. When itself tried to fuck It fell shit out of luck - Seems the deed was just too stiff a stunt! There was a young chap named McGee Who buggered an ape in a tree The result was quite horrid, all ass and no forehead, Three balls and a purple goatee. |
| There once was a once was a woman from Nantucket Who's cunt was the size of a bucket A man with a penis the size of Venus Split it apart when he fucked it |
There once was couple from New Delhi who used to dance Belly to belly One Day in there haste they used wallpaper paste Instead of petroleum jelly |
| There was a young man name of Buck and boy did he like to fuck But his Doc was a quack gave his dick a hard whack Now he's just shit out of luck |
The resident curate of Waverly, Indulged a peculiar knavery; With lascivious howls, He deflowered young owls, Which he kept in an underground aviary. |
| there was an old lady from ivor who walked on a bus with a fiver she slipped on the mat opened her pratt and pissed all over the driver |
there was a young man from rotham who took out his balls to wash em his wife said jack if u dont put em back ill jump in ur hands and squash em |
| there was a young man called rashime who invented the wanking machine on the 99th stroke the fuckin thing broke and his balls ended up supreme |
A whimsical fellow named block who could beat the bass drum with his cock with a special erection he could play a selection from yojhan sebastian bach |
| There was an old whore named Dot Who could read debit cards with her twat She said "'Fore you get hard Take your MasterCard And swipe it stripe down through my slot." |
There was a young sailor named Doug Who paddled about in a jug He jerked off without fear 'Till the coastguard came near Then asked if they'd give him a tug. |