SexLimericks.com - Dirty Limericks

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:::::::::: A Big List Of Dirty Limericks ::::::::::

There was a young farmer from Delhi
Whose thing reduced lovers to Jelhi
He had them in bed, in the barn and the shed,
but alone he just came on his Belhi

There once was a Lady from Madras,
who had a magnificent ass
it was not round, rosey
and pink as you think
But had long ears and ate grass.

There once was a man from Bombay
Who raped an ape in the hay.
The result was most horrid,
All asshole and no forehead
Eight balls and a purple toupee!

There one was a man named Magruder,
Who lived with a stripper and whood her,
She said it was rude, to get whood in the nude,
So Magruder got ruder, and screwder!

There once was an employee named Ross
Who was fired one day by his boss
Because he was found
With his pants on the ground
Dripping nasty stuff into the sauce

There once was a man from Fort Myers
Who wrapped his balls up in wire
He flicked the switch
And oh what a bitch
His Balls began to catch fire

There was a young lady named Rose
Who'd occasionally straddle a hose,
And parade about squirting
And spouting and spurting,
Pretending she pissed like her beaux

She was seen by her cousin named Anne,
Who improved the original plan.
She said, "My dear Rose,
In this lowly old hose
Are all the best parts of a man."

So, avoiding the crude and sadistic,
She frigged in a manner artistic:
At the height of her pleasure
She turned up the pressure,
And cried, "Ain't it grand and realistic!"

They soon told the Duchess of Fyfe,
And her crony, the alderman's wife;
And they found it so pleasing,
And tickling and teasing
That they washed men right out of their life.

It was tried by the dancer, Di Basle,
Whose cunt was just made for a nozzle.
She said, "I admit
It's an elegant fit,
But of course it won't do for the arse 'ole."

It was tried by the great Mrs. Biddle,
And she said to her husband, "Go fiddle!
Here's double the fun,
And you get three in one---
A ducking, a douche and a diddle."

It was tried by the Duchess of Porter,
And passed on by her to her daughter,
Who said, "With a leman
You're fearful of semen,
But a fucks as effective with water."

Thus writes Lady Vanderbilt-Horsett,
Who invented the Lonely-Maid's Corset:
"I thought all vicarious
Fucking precarious.
I was wrong. It's a whiz. I endorse it."

There once was a man from Saskatoon
who took a ride in a hot-air balloon
he fucked all the stars from Venus to Mars
and corn-holed the man in the Moon

Soon in Paris, on the Boulevard Salique,
Yous should purchase (complet avec talic,
Pour soixante francs cinq)
A short hose and a tank,
And they call it Le Fuckeur Hydraulique.

There once was a queen from Bulgariar
whose bush grew hairier and hairier
a prince from Peru came up for a screw
and had too hunt for her cunt with a terrier.

There once was a man named Phil,
who sucked down a chemical spill.
His naval corroded,
his asshole exploded,
his balls got flung to Brazil!

There once was a man from Greely
who pounded his pud with great feeling
and like a red rainbow trout
he'd stick his tongue out
and wait for the drops from the ceiling!

There once was a woman from New Zealand
Who had a peculiar feelin
She laid on her back
And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceilin

From England there was an old bloke
Who picked up a girl for a poke
He pulled down her pants
Fucked her into a trance
And then shit in her shoe as a joke.

There once was a hussy so brazen
On each breast a red bull's-eye she'd blazon
A lusty outsider
With mercurochrome dyed her
And shriveled her up like a raisin.

"I have found," sighed a hooker named Hickel,
"That Chinese John's are kinky and fickle.
They screw me...then beat me...
And hungrily eat me --
And the worst is those chopsticks sure tickle!"

There once was a man from Winsocket,
Who rode down the street on a rocket.
The force of the blast blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.

"My harem now has what it lacked,"
The sultan expansively cracked.
"There are bunk beds for all
Where the dears wait my call,
Since the women I ball must be stacked!"

There once was a lady named Lucky,
Who used dynamite to give herself fucky.
They found her vagina in North Carolina,
And one of her tits in Kentucky.

Mixing joy and suspicion, one Russo
Told his bride, "My beloved, your trousseau
Is virginal white,
But it hardly seems right
That a virgin should know how to screw so!"

There once was a man named McBass,
Who's balls were made out of brass
He'd clang them together
In stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass.

When the Arts Ball was over, Miss Kahn
(Who's a nympho) was wilted and wan..
She'd attended, you see,
As a walking TV,
And the guys all kept turning her on!

There was an old man from Roupe
who had lost all control of his poop.
One night at supper
his wife said, "Now Tupper,
stop making that noise with your soup!"

Since a stage-struck massage girl named Hart
Knows directors who sample her art,
She's aware what controls
The assignment of roles
Is a good working grasp of the part.

A hot little night nurse named Hearst
Got off with a bratwurst at first;
But her pleasure now lies
In a non-deli guise
As the interns take turns for the Wurst.

"I'll tell you," smiled prom chairman Mose,
"Why Peggy's the prom queen I chose:
She's as cheerfully free
As the wind on the sea -
And besides, like the wind, Peggy blows!"

When asked to do something salacious,
She answered, "Of course not! Good gracious!"
But the sight of his tool
So induced her to drool
That her view, in the end, proved fellatious.

A myopic tree surgeon named Lee
Trapped an agile young wench in a tree.
Jeered she, "Shift your whopper,
You careless limb lopper!
That's a moss covered knothole - not me!"

There once was a man from Belgras
Who had balls made out of glass
On hot sunny days
They focused the sun's rays
And burned all the hair off his ass

Helen Keller's pussy grew tight,
Masturbating alone late at night,
She rubbed that hot gland,
With just her left hand,
And silently moaned with her right.

Said a dainty young whore named Miss Meggs,
"The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs."

There once was a man from Australia,
Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
He buggered a frog,
Two mice, and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.

There was a young lady of Arden,
Who sucked off ol' Bob in the garden.
He asked, "You old ho' ,
Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "(swallow hard)-- Beg pardon?"

In the garden of Eden lay Adam
Softly stroking the loins of his madam
On his face was great mirth
'cause he knew on this earth
There were only two balls and he had 'em.

There was a young fellow from Florida,
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
When they got into bed,
He cried, "God strike me dead,
This isn't a cunt, it's a corridor!"

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
We'll be of the opposite sex.

There was a young lady at sea
Who said "Gosh, how it hurts me to pee."
"I see," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the Captain, the purser, and me."

An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny.

Said Siegfried to Roy at the zoo,
"Be careful in all that you do,
Keep those lions at bay,
Or it will, I must say,
Be the first time a pussy ate you!"

There once was girl from DeVries,
Who had pussy hair down to her knees,
It was fine to shine brass,
Or for wiping her ass,
And the crabs used it for a trapeze.

There once was a warrior from Parma
Who got into bed with a charmer
She, naturally nude,
Said, "Don't think me rude,
But I do wish you'd take off your armor."

Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke
Made love to a cow as a joke
He found pleasure divine
With this friendly bovine
Now they call him the old cowpoke!

I was cleaning the house in the nude,
The neighbor gal said I was rude,
For not closing the drapes,
While I scoured and scraped,
It made her quite ill.... so she sued.

There was a young man from Rangoon,
Whose farts could be heard to the moon.
When you'd least expect 'em,
They'd burst from his rectum
With the force of a raging typhoon.

There once was an altar boy from Crewe,
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,
"The Bishop was quicker,
And thicker and slicker,
And two inches longer than you."

There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

There once was a girl named Hortence,
Whose breasts were very immense.
One day, while playing soccer,
Out popped her left knocker,
And she kicked it right over the fence.

There once was a man named Piatt,
who's sexual habits were a riot.
From horses to hens,
To mice and men,
If it had a hole, he would try it.

There once was a boy named Kevin
Who used a vacuum to stretch it to seven,
Then eight and then nine,
And though ten was divine,
There will be film at eleven.

There was a young lassie named Wainright
Who enjoyed the position that a dog might
over her shoulder she found
when she looked around
A whole new meaning for hindsight

There once was a man named Eugeene,
Who built a masturbation machine,
The damned thing broke
On the 14th stroke,
And whipped his balls to a cream.

A hillbilly gent name of Cato
wanted sex with his girl on a Date-o.
She said, "Yer dick's real purdy,
But yer balls are too dirty,
they look like a fresh dug potato!"

There once was a monk from Kerplunks
Whose body was that of a hunk's
The nuns all went woozy
when he stepped into the jacuzzi
For the monk had forgotten his trunks.

There once was an abbot of Brittany
Who chanted this desolate litany:
"If Christ is the Source
Of Divine Intercourse,
Then how come I don't ever gitany?"

There once was a man from Iraq
Who had holes down the length of his cock
When he got an erection,
He could play a selection
From Johann Sebastion Bach

This is the tale of woe of a small boy named Lou
Sitting in a crowded church with his family, who
Turned to his father, Bart,
And whispered, "Dad, I've got to fart !"
Said Bart, "If you do, you must sit in your own pew."

A young woman from the Land Where the Sun Rises
Had boobs of unequal sizes.
The left one was small
And didn't seem abnormal at all,
But the right one was so huge it won prizes.

There was a young fellow of Crew
whose tool was so straight and to true
that the Navy when fighting
could use it for sighting
and at full range could sink a canoe.

An observant young man of the west
said "I’ve found out by personal test
that men who make passes
at girls who wear glasses
get just as good sex as the rest".

A toothsome young starlet named Smart
was asked to display oral art
as the price for a role.
She complied, met his goal
and then sank her teeth in the part.

As the elevator car left our floor
Big Sue caught her chest in the door.
She yelled a good deal,
but had they been real
she’d have yelled considerably more.

Said a horrid old hag, "Look here honey
I know that I’m wrinkled and funny,
but get me in bed
with a sack on my head
and I’ll give you a run for your money".

A virgin emerged form her bath
in a state of righteous wrath
for she’d been deflowered
when she bent as she showered
‘cause the handle was right in her path.

There was a young girl from Balmoral
whose habits were highly immoral.
For the price of a dime
she took three at a time,
one fore, one aft, and one oral.

There was a young lady from Channelview
whose boyfriend said "may I explore you?"
She replied to the chap
"I will draw you a map
where the others have been to before you".

There was a young student named Jones
who reduced all maidens to groans
by his wonderful knowledge
acquired in college
of nineteen erogenous zones.

Said a coed from Duke University
when asked about sexual diversity,
"Screwing’s okay
in the old fashioned way,
but I do like a touch of perversity.

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