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::::::::::  A Big List Of Dirty Limericks  ::::::::::

A thrifty old man named McEwing
Inquired, "Why be bothered with screwing?
It's safer and cleaner
To finger your wiener,
And besides you can see what you're doing."
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine;
And at a quarter to ten it was in her.

There was a young lady of Clewer
Who was riding a bike, and it threw her.
A man saw her there
With her legs in the air,
And seized the occasion to screw her.
We all know that tampons are spongy
And often times get rather grungy
But why they have strings
Among other things
Is so that the crabs can all bungee.

"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor
"Bend over the pew for your Master!"
He said with a moan
As he slipped him a bone.
"Now just wag your tail a bit faster!"
Goldilocks has lots of guys
Pinnochio's one, I'm advised!
She sits on the puppet
And sticks his nose right up it
And makes the poor fellow tell lies!

A hard-headed cabby named Peter
Was asked by a fare if he'd eat her.
He said, "It's not free.
I will only agree
To go down while I'm running the meter."
There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
Lama's are numero uno!"

There once was a barmaid named Gale
On whose breasts was the menu for ale
But since she was kind
For the sake of the blind
On her ass it was printed in Braille.
Once there was a man from Boston
Who took a ride in his Austin
He had room for his ass
a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost them.

There once was pervert named Manny
who stuck his long prick up his fanny.
Oh! What's this shouting about?
Seems he can't get it out.
He can't shit, he can't piss. It's uncanny!
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus.

There once was a man from Peru
Who was desperately hanging out for a screw.
He picked up a moll
And rammed home his pole
Then said, "Jesus, that was Long overdue."
To Stan, Ginger whined and then sighed
Her vibrator battery died
She got off instead
With ten minutes of head,
Then she gave Stan's old willie a ride!

There was a bleached blond named Dolores
Who had an unusual clitoris
It's location remote
Was deep in her throat
Where she douched with a touch of Lavoris!
Ginger from County of Dade
Said, "I think it's time I got laid."
"My vibrator can tingle
But it's not cunnilingual"
And that's how orgasms are made."

Ginger was feeling quite gruff
Till he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, "I just can't get enough!"
I don't mean to tarnish your cheer
But old Santa Claus is a big queer!
He fondles the elves,
Who pleasure themselves
With a bugger up old Santa's rear!

Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke
Made love to a cow as a joke
He found pleasure divine
With this friendly bovine
Now they call him the old cowpoke!
There was a young fellow named Dick
Who perfected a wonderful trick:
He'd get an erection
And scorn all protection,
Then balance himself on his prick.

Then each of them tried it and failed,
While their wives looked on helpless and wailed
For each one would teeter
And fall on his peter,
Or manage to get all derailed.
There' a starlet who's still in her teens
Who's adept at removing her jeans.
And in X-rated flicks
So accomplished with pricks
That she steals all the pictures' obscenes.

There once was a fellow named Perkin
Who always was jerkin' his gherkin
His mother said, "Perkin,
Stop jerkin' your gherkin -
Your gherkin's for ferkin' not jerkin'."
There once was a Queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a Prince from Peru,
Who came for a screw,
Had to hunt for her twat with a terrier.

There was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
He wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!
There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think --
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!
There once was a mohel from Minsk
Who saved all his customers' skinsk
Tho they looked odd in a jar
He was kinder by far
Than his zeyde, who made from them, a blintzk.

There once was a Jew from Peru
who was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife screamed "oy vey,
if you keep up this way,
The Messiah will come before you."
Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice,
But one is a bore,
I'd prefer three or four,
And the plural of spouse is spice?

There once was a man named McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be Couth
He added some Vermouth
And slipped his chick a Martini!
While Titian was mixing rose madder,
his model was posed on a ladder.
Her position to Titian
suggested fruition.
So he mounted the ladder and had her.

An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
Hickory Dickory Dock
The tongue ran up the cock.
The man did smile.
It had been quite a while.
And his cock was as hard as a rock!

A bugger who buggered some sheep
Tried to bugger a ewe in her sleep.
She awoke with a start
And she ripped a great fart.
Now he's covered in shit three feet deep.
There was a man from Ka-bot
That lived on his boogers and snot
When he couldn't have these
He lived on the cheese,
That grew on his grungy old cock!

There once was a couple named Kelly
Who had to walk belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used wallpaper paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
There was a young man of Devises,
Whose balls were of different sizes.
His tool when at ease,
Hung down to his knees,
Oh, what must it be when it rises!

There once was a lady from Thrace,
Who's corset no longer would lace,
Her mother said "Nellie,
There's more in your belly,
Than ever went in through your face."
An uptight young lady named Breerley
Who valued her morals too dearly
Had sex, so I hear,
Only once every year,
And she strained her vagina severely.

I heard that she would never say no
To oral sex. Just 10 bucks for a blow.
But when down on her knees
I said, "Oh baby please
Move up, you're too low, that's my toe!"
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.

There was a young man from St. Paul's
Who read Harper's Bazaar and McCall's
Till he grew such a passion
For feminine fashion
That he knitted a snood for his balls.
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call..

A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
The was a man named Sir Lancelot
Who went to parties and danced a lot
When making a pass
At a young pretty lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot!

A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
There was a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of orgasm
Said the pallid phantasm,
"I think I can feel it---almost!"

Meat-rationing did not terrify Miss Davey,
She got married to a sailor in the Navy,
For she knew between his legs
He had ham and he had eggs,
A big weenie, and oodles of white gravy.
There was a young Scotchman named Jock
Who had a most horrible shock:
He once took a shit
In a leaf-covered pit,
And the crap sprung a trap on his cock.

A virginal coed named Sherrie,
Awoke in the morning quite merry.
After cocktails last night,
To her utter delight,
She gave up her status as "cherry."
There was a young lady of Wheeling,
Who professed to a lack of sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling.

There was a young athlete named Grimmon
Who developed a new way of swimmin'.
By a marvelous trick
He would scull with his prick,
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.
There was a young man named McAmiter
Who had a tool of prodigious diameter.
What gave the girls surprise
Was not his size,
But his rhythm, iambic pentameter.

There was a young man of the land
Whose sex life had grown quite bland
He wanted a change
So the next time he came
He used his other hand.
She asked him "Please don't ever quit,"
As he sucked on her supple left tit,
And with talented mouth,
He headed down south,
And finished her lickety split.

There was an old man from LaFarge
Whose balls grew exceedingly large
But his tee-tiny scrotum
Just couldn't quite tote 'em
Now he sails them around on a barge.
There was a young lady from Exeter
So pretty the men strained their necks at her
But one was so brave
To pull out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

A psychiatrist and a proctologist from Stutts
Did really show some pure guts.
They put up a sign
At 4th Street and Vine.
That read we treat nuts and butts!
Oh,the air did turn green
When a fart came from the queen!
The court sat aghast
At the royal blast,
But stood and sang "God save the queen!"

There was a young lady from Bath
Who wasn't very good at math
She had sex under a tree
later said "Woe is me"
1 plus 1 isn't 2….it equals 3
In the check out at the food store
a nun was advising the poor:
"Hey you up in front!
That's to many items you cunt!
And they won't take food stamps for beer ya dumb whore."

Old mother hubbard
went to the cupboard
to get her poor dog a bone
but when she bent over
rover took over
and gave a bone of her own!
A woman he tried not to covet,
Was horny and knew she would love it,
So taking a chance,
She wrote on her pants,
"Pull down here and you'll see where to shove it!"

There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style.
"I'll get my workouts," he said,
"At home, in my bed,
'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!"
The last time I dined with the King
He did quite a curious thing.
He sat on a stool
And took out his tool
And said, "If I play will you sing?"

A certain sweet girl from Key West
Was uncommonly large in the chest.
Any man's close attention
To her outside dimension
Brought his own measurement to its best.
An indiscrete deacon named Fred,
Coaxed the minister's wife into bed.
She seductively posed,
With her blessings exposed,
Thank God for this heavenly spread.

There once was a grown man named Roy,
Who as a young innocent boy,
Discovered his peter,
And thought it much neater,
Than books or a game or a toy.
There once was a young masturbator,
Who bought an electric vibrator.
She lost it inside,
But the reason she died,
Was its faulty speed regulator.

There once was a woman named Nancy,
Who waltzed with a man they called Clancey.
Soon after the dance,
He pulled down her silk pants,
Proceeding to tickle her fancy.
There once was a young man named Jack,
Who loved jumping into the sack.
For there was his wife,
The love of his life,
Aroused, with legs spread, on her back.

Grandpa's dick is undoubtedly fickle,
Like a typical shriveled old pickle,
For whenever he
Feels that urge to pee,
The most that comes out is a trickle.
There once was an old man named Fletcher,
Well known as a terrible lecher.
A kiss he would steal,
And he'd cop a good feel,
From a woman if he could just catch her.

I wonder what Christmas will be,
No merriment, good cheer or glee.
Now that Santa's arrested,
Because someone protested,
That he laid some doll under their tree.
A foreman who's known to be rude,
Said something a worker thought lewd.
Though red in the face,
She's got a court case,
So it's his ass that's going to be screwed.

There was an old count of Swoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
So, with great savoir-faire,
She stood on a chair
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
I have a strange story to tell,
Of a woman who casts a mean spell.
Though men would undress her,
Not one could possess her,
And the last man to screw her's not well.

She had sat in a pretty green patch,
But now found herself having to scratch.
Poison ivy she's got,
And she's itching a lot,
Right down there and real close to her snatch.
There was a young fellow named Fritz
Who planted an acre of tits.
They came up in the fall,
Pink nipples and all,
And he chewed them all up into bits.

There was a young lady of Worcester
Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.
She woke with a scream,
But 'twas only a dream
A lump in the mattress had goosed her.
There once was a man from Cheyenne
Of women, he was a fan
But they thought "Damn he's fat!"
"I'm not touching that!"
So he had to rely on his hand.

A strange young fellow from Leeds
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were covered with weeds.
I know a tall Sunday school teacher,
Who wanted to screw the short preacher.
She flashed him some thigh,
But her pussy seemed high,
So he stood on a chair just to reach her.

A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, dinna budge --
Just the same as she acted in life."
An exotic young lady named Suki,
Once danced in a troupe of kabuki,
When asked for a fuck,
he said, "Solly, no luck...
See here: looky looky, no nuki "

There once was a girl from Mitchen
Who was scratching her twat in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
you've got crabs I suppose."
She said, "Yes and those fuckers are 'itchin!"
There once was a girl from Decatur
Who got laid by a big alligator.
Now, nobody knew
The result of that screw,
Because after he laid her, he ate her.

The nipples of Sarah Strong,
When excited, are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.
There once was a man from Berlin
Whose pecker hung down to his shin.
When a lady named Gert
Started lifting her skirt,
His prick rose with a thump to his chin.

There was a young man from the Clyde
Who fell down a sewer and died
Next day his brother,
Fell down another
And now they're interred side by side.
In convertibles she was quite brash,
When she put her feet up on the dash.
A trucker drove by,
Her bare crotch caught his eye,
And four people were injured in the crash.

On the internet they found romance,
That put both in a hot sexual trance,
But each had a gripe,
About having to type,
With their hand stuck down into their pants.
There was a young fellow named Goody.
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude,
With a gal in the mood,
The question's not would he, but could he?

There once was a girl of Siam
Who said to her lover, young Kiam,
"If you take me, of course,
You must do it by force
But, thank God, you're stronger than I am."
There once was a man from Tahiti
Who went for a swim with his sweetie,
But as he pursued her
A big barracuda
Made off with his masculinity!

There was a young man of Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia.
The drawing was fine,
The color divine,
The scent--ah, that was a failure.
With a blowtorch he set out to melt,
His loved one's iron chastity belt.
What dampened his yearning,
Was pubic hair burning,
And he lost the desire he felt.

There once was a gay opera singer,
Whose dick was a wondrous humdinger.
When he'd sing a song,
His dong sang along,
And his balls would clang like a bell ringer.
His dick lay in peaceful quiescence,
He longed though for youthful tumescence.
An electric connection,
Sparked a brilliant erection,
That shines with an awesome florescence!

Breathed a tender young man from Australia
My darling, please let me unveilia,
And then, of, my own,
If you'll kindly lie prone,
I'll endeavor, my sweet, to impalia.
There was a young woman named Jeannie
Who sobbed to her date, "You're a meanie!
You claim you're a stud
But, oh, what a dud!
Your prick is a real teeny-weeny."

"It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through."
There once was a girl from New Haven
Whose pubic hair was not shaven.
But missing because
She slept without drawers
Within range of a nest building raven.

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